Bipolar

             

One day, I stood up and said to myself  “This is not living!”  The doctors had told my husband,  that he better hire help for the children, that they didn’t think I would snap out of it.  At first they were right. My children were growing up right in front of me and there was nothing I could do, so I thought.  Then I realized, with God all things are possible.  It took 5 long years to find the right meds.  I then had to learn certain tools to apply to maintain my sanity.  Such as Spirituality, support groups, getting out, working or volunteering, self talk, relaxation techniques, these are just a few of many.

Have my symptoms disappeared?  No, when I get stressed out  they like to show they’re ugly faces. Anxiety, frustration, emotional with no reason or cause.  This is how I feel at times.  I get frustrated, irritated and angry at everything.  Don’t, even come near me.  Sometimes, I don’t feel like doing anything at all.  I just want to scream, be mean and ugly. Many times I want to be left alone.  Other times, I could probably run up the stairs in the Sears Tower without thinking twice about it.  This is some of the madness that goes on inside me.  I have a Bipolar and it is a debilitating disease, if I choose to let it take control.  I feel there is a dark side of me that no one knows, but my family.  I thank God for their love and understanding.  It has been frightening, devastating and yet we have seen the work of God, throughout this walk.


My marriage has managed to thrive, despite the fact that BOTH have been diagnosed Bipolar.  At first it was a real struggle for my husband to understand what I was going through.  When I first broke down until the time, they found the right meds, everything was difficult for Mark, and he wanted out of the marriage.  I was no longer the girl he fell in love with.  I had no energy to do anything, unless I went into a Mania.  Then watch out! Moms on the war path. I would find everything that was wrong and expected changes immediately.  It got to the point, where I had the Dr. write a note to the family, stating that I was to ill to do their laundry, and that they were to start doing it themselves.  You bet’ that went over big. Mark was angry at the world, including God.  How can he let this happen to the mother of his children?  So he decided to handle it the only way he knew how. He turned away from God and went back to his old coping skills.  Abandoning the family, and going out partying with his coworkers.  Now I had to deal with this; emotional abuse, verbal abuse and rejection on top of everything else.  One day  our daughter  got into a car wreck and we were told that she may never walk again.  That’s when Mark cried out to God.  His world came crashing in on him. 

We have managed to keep our marriage together despite the many obstacles of life. It has not been easy.  We have learned to appreciate the fact that we have this illness together.  Oh, it can be hair raising sometimes, but we have learned to lean on one another in our time of need.  Usually the Mark and I will recognize when the other one will need to be seen by the doctor, long before the one who is sick.  (This is part of the illness, denial.)  Our patience has grown, we’re there for support and encouragement.  It is hard on us at times.  We are learning to not allow stress to overcome us.  Not to allow our emotions to put us at risk.  What’s most important to me is that Mark has an understanding now, what’s it all about.  He now has empathy for me.  The D word is no longer in our vocabulary, it is now commitment and forgiveness.


This disease destroys many lives, and families.  I feel that society needs to have a better understanding and quit putting stigma’s on people with such a disease. It is hard enough to deal with.  As for me, I am one of the few and lucky ones, who has fought to gain back what was taken.  Which is my image.  This is the first time ever, that I can say I am not ashamed to say, I am Bipolar.  That this is who I am and it is a part of me.  I am still loved, cherished and adored by the one who created me.